On the way home
It’s a long way home, or so it seems.
Listening to a track from the album ‘Memories of trees’ by Enya, I started to think about our journey home. We all, quite naturally, assume that the path of life heads towards the grave and, for many, that is believed to be the end. But let’s just, for a moment, consider the possibility that, in this life, we are visitors. Here we are in this world, experiencing variable degrees of joy and pain, thinking, all the time, that the bricks and mortar we live in is our home. We believe that THIS is THE life, our life, our entrance into existence. We struggle on day by day, wading drunkenly across the muddy battlefield of monetary need , relationship conflicts and career anxiety. Emotions burst angrily from us like a fizzy drink bottle shook up and released, leaving us feeling exhausted. Confusion at our inability to be happy eats away at us every day. No matter how much you have, there is still a sense that something is missing….
Many people, as I have, and sometimes still do, experience life as a mish mash of confusion and conflict, coupled with snatched moments of happiness and contentment. Self actualizing, we aspire to be better. Better than what or who? I don’t know. I spent years working on my anger and yet, despite my best efforts, the dirty little devil still, once in a while, rears its ugly head! Years of meditation has calmed the wild beast. But am I home? In many ways no, and I suspect that I am not alone in that. I want and need to be home, same as we all do.
Then I realised that home is not a place, not in relation to the external plane of life. Being at home is a sweet nurturing spot that resides inside of us. It’s womb-like, comforting, nurturing and respectful of self. It’s not something you can search for, but it is something that you can find.
How?
Easy!
Let me share.
Sitting in front of a roaring fire. Three dogs on the settee next to me. One of the dogs, resting against my body, lifts her head up, leans against my shoulder and looks deep into my eyes. I look back at her. We share the intense moment of connection and, for that very moment, I am home. Outside of that moment, nothing exists. It is blissful. I sense a tantalising access to a memory buried deep inside my soul, that I have felt this before, many times, every day, every hour, every second of my life in my spiritual home. It is joyful.
Nine years ago, I lost a young pony from sudden death syndrome. He had rocked my world. When I was with him time stood still. I giggled. I played. I laughed. I lived. People watching us together felt alienated, a little in awe, as my pony chased me without ropes, ran to me when I arrived and waited for me long after I had left. I loved him. He loved me. Deeply, passionately, in a way that bypassed species differences. That spectacularly wonderful time with him was 16 months of being at home. The outside world ceased to exist for me. Somehow I passed through the external necessities of life without being affected by them. My life jumped into a kind of beautiful storybook, each page rich with colour and flowing lines. Looking back, I am in awe of my experience. In the flow of life, in a state of bliss, everything fell into a natural and benevolent order.
We all, deep down, want to run wild and free, unfettered by the demands of life. I know it’s true. I see it in the tight anxious faces of those that I work with. Home represents true freedom of mind, body and spirit. I believe that this place, that I call home, exists in all of us. The secret, as I have experienced it, is to learn how to live in the moment 100% of the time. Surround yourself with those beings that make you feel great. Lift your aching weary heart up to the moon and cry out for the release of your spirit. Hold your face up to the sun and demand that you be flooded with joy. Allow yourself to feel. Be moved. Cry, laugh, explode with joy and allow the quick rush of anger to explode into the atmosphere, for it to be forever gone.
It’s a long way home. I am certain of that. To be fair, I wouldn’t want it to be any other way. But the pathway is there and we are not alone. By taking that first step, and determining to experience each footfall, you are assured of a long clear view of what your home looks like.
Enjoy ……
Tuesday afternoon ramblings
Do you ever wonder what life is about? I do. I have been on a quest for, what feels like, all of my life. A quest to find long-term fulfillment. But I question if this can be anything more than a passing moment. I certainly experience joy and happiness, and I find fulfillment in many things that I do. But, it’s a transient experience. Admittedly, I have the boredom threshold of a tiny pond insect. I get excited, I think, ‘this is it!’ and then, poof, my interest disappears. This personality quirk has cost a lot of money in training fees in my search for ‘the’ career. It’s been a source of irritation for some who have shared my life. Indeed, it is a miracle that I am in a long-term relationship and many of my friendships stretch into double figures.
Recently, during a chat with one of my closest friends, I admitted that, if I had a choice, I wouldn’t work for a living. My friend, with a look of relief on her face, said she felt the same. ‘What would you do?’ I asked her. She replied ‘I would potter about.’ It was a long discussion and involved a high degree of imagination, fantasy and giggling. It was fun to imagine what we would ‘do’ if we didn’t have to ‘do’.
I have moments of joy, quite regularly, where everything inside me seems to meld together and make sense. But, when I recall these experiences, most of them have little to do with work. I feel at one after I have competed at a running event with my dogs. I am peaceful when I have ‘pottered’ around the fields, moving fences or pushing wheelbarrows. Spending quality time with loved ones leaves me feeling relaxed and at one.
On a work basis, I have felt it when I have been around horses, and in the midst of training clinics, where everyone comes to a state of peace. It’s a deep experience of the soul, and usually involves the sharing of other souls, but on a level beyond words and the mindless chitter chatter of life.
I am in a state of bliss after running corporate meditation sessions, where I work with a group of a dozen people or more. After the session, no one wants to talk. They can’t talk. Relaxed, physically and mentally, they have found their point of stillness from within. We spend so much of our time talking, but not saying much, and it’s nice to have that peace, where everyone has dropped their persona and, for a moment, we are all the same.
It’s a Tuesday afternoon ramble I know, but, for me, some things need to be brought out into the open. Once aired, a kind of osmosis occurs, bringing forth tiny shock waves of inner personal discovery and, with it, finally, a sense of meaning.
Memories
This morning, I came across a bunch of photographs and letters that I had written to my family when I was 17.5 years old. I was at Police Cadet training camp in Elan Valley, Rhayader, Wales. I was there for a month, during one of the hottest summers in 1976.
Inducted there as a shy, almost timid, girl, I completed my training, a month later, feeling like an Amazonian warrior. I was the best climber amongst 38 girls and the second best runner. I excelled at every task, and I loved it.
I returned home, tanned, fit and ready to take the world by storm. But my talents were dismissed by my family. Suddenly, no one was interested in what I had achieved.
The police cadet training was awesome. Every morning at 7am, we did PT, followed by a one mile run uphill before breakfast. Each day was different. We took part in canoeing, climbing, fell racing, cross-country running, assault course and many other physical challenges. I loved it and had never been happier.
The toughest challenge was a four-day trek covering 120 miles over the Welsh hills, carrying a massive rucksack on our backs. It was hot, hilly and backbreaking. We walked from 7am to 7pm, covering 30 miles a day. I was mentally and physically strong and, when my team was flagging, I would sing to them. I recall them asking me not to stop singing… I can’t imagine anyone doing that now!
One of the photographs I found was a large black and white copy of my team ‘Elan’ of seven girls, grinning at the camera, wearing walking gear and waterproof hats. I look so happy. It made me cry.
As I read the letters, I was struck by my innocence and joy at simple pleasures. Reminded of the camp teachers pride in my abilities, I felt an emotion that I couldn’t identify. Where was this girl? I missed her.
How do we reach the point where we lose the ability to see our own potential? How do we reclaim our belief in who and what we are? I wondered if we can recapture those parts of our soul, our being, that make us great? Is is possible to wipe away fifty plus years of dampening life experiences, to surge forward into the battle of life, certain that we cannot fail no matter what does or doesn’t happen. I think that it is, so I for one and going to try
Mindfulness practice
Mindfulness is, in my opinion, the secret to leading a balanced life. Many people live their lives externally, reacting to events and other people in a knee jerk fashion. Take for example a sentence like, ‘You made me angry’. Can another person really MAKE you angry? You might argue that yes of course they can but, in reality, you have a choice as to how you react.
Most people exist with their brains in a state of lateralization. What this means is that the right and left hemispheres of the brain are in conflict. This creates the busy mind and the negative inner voice, coupled with the inability to accept things the way they are. It also prohibits you from living in the moment.
In order to change this, you need to create brain synchronisation, which is when the left and right hemispheres of the brain are in agreement, synchronised and balanced. At this point, the mind chatter stops, inconsequential things stop being important, you are able to be more in the moment and you don’t feel the need to analyse every single thing that does or doesn’t happen TO you.
Your life, quite literally, is happening in your head!
Which is great, because, what that means is that you CAN change it, and the way to do that is with meditation.
Meditation brings the brain into a state of synchronisation. Experts suggest that it takes a Zen monk around 15 years of daily meditation to achieve this state of balance. But the beauty of meditation is that it is progressive in that, if you stop meditation, your brain does not return to its former state.
You don’t have to sit on a cushion, staring at the flame of a candle for many hours a day. You can achieve a state of meditation by checking out of your day to day reality. Any activity that allows your brain to rest and become focused is a form of meditation. Did you know that when you close your eyes, your brainwaves instantly start dropping {from Beta state of 14 – 30Hz} to an Alpha state {7 – 13.9Hz} so, when faced with a wave of stress, simply close your eyes for a moment.
And this brings us back to mindfulness.
Begin to notice your responses to everything that flashes through your mind every day. Notice the emotional states, the highs and lows, the flashes of anger, the defensiveness or irritation. Notice how quickly you respond to external events or to other people. Just for a week or so, don’t try to change anything, just remain an observer.
After a week or so of self-observation, start to generate some input. For instance, if you notice yourself becoming angry, simply say to yourself, ‘that’s interesting, I am becoming angry!’ Do not try and analyse, just notice and move on.
The first week or so is probably the hardest, as you are undoing years of conditioned responses. But, after a while, you will start to enjoy the observers’ viewpoint and will gain awareness at how other people are responding.
Climbing the mountain
Climb the mountain with me
There are many books out there about becoming successful by doing what you love. I have many of them. I read them avidly and, on an intellectual level, I understood and absorbed their learning. But I wasn’t ready to put the learning into practice. A part of me didn’t really, deep down, believe. I know now that this was my error, my sticking point, my mental block.
And I was not alone. Few people can comprehend that, in this materialistically orientated world, you can ‘make a living’ by doing what you love. ‘How can I pay my bills through my love of fishing?‘ you may ask quizzically, or maybe even cynically. Lets explore that for a moment or two. You could perhaps write a book, start a club, start a business selling fishing equipment, write a fishing informational blog. So many ways. If you really want to be talking fish all day – and come on, there are, after all, much worse things to be talking about!! - then it’s down to you. You can have it. You can do it! You can have it all!
There is only ONE thing stopping you.
YOU!!!
You, and your preconditioned limitations. You, and your lack of belief in your ability to be happy. This is 100% the ONLY thing that is stopping you. But it may as well be a steel wall for you right now, because if you don’t believe it, how the heck are you ever going to escape the miserable rat race of a life that I know you are in. How are you ever going to be able to get up in the morning and scream, ‘I can’t wait to start this day!’
As a coach, I hear a lot of excuses ~ It goes something like this
I can’ t do that because: -
- I don’t have enough money
- My family won’t approve
- I have a good job {even though I hate it}
- I don’t have the experience
- I am too old
- I am too young
- I am too scared
- I will fail
- I am too fat
- I am too thin
- I have too many responsibilities
- I am not clever enough
- I wouldn’t know what to do
- I can’t
- yadda yadda yadda
Excuses excuses excuses!
I personally have been down many long, cold, dark empty, and sometimes lonely, roads over the years. I have dragged my posterior along the bottom of a scummy black pond, and I have been beaten to the ground by people who didn’t believe in me, people who wanted, it seemed, to see me fail. I almost succumbed. But somehow, thank god, I found the inner strength to keep going, to carry on searching, to keep alight my wanting, to believe that life could be better. I ached to jump out of bed at daybreak yelling, ‘yippee, come on let’s go!!’ That kept me going, nose to the ground, not listening to the beliefs of others, but rather listening to the drum of my own heart. Come on girl, let’s go, you can do it, I believe in you.
I wanted to feel like it was Christmas morning every darned day. But, for many years, I slithered from the duvet like a reluctant heavily burdened sloth, world-weary and tired from trying, trying, trying. When the hell was I ever going to succeed????
For too long, I tried to do what I thought was going to make me financially successful, and I didn’t truly know where I fitted. I was a fish out of water. My efforts were not coming from my heart, and I never truly enjoyed my work.
I missed so many signs!
I had moments where people told me that I inspired them, and I saw the effect that I had on their lives. But it took me ages to realise that those times were when I was truly myself, and coming from my heart, without concerning myself with an outcome, or worrying about what was in it for me. It was the times when I gave selflessly.
It was only after my dad died from cancer in June 2008, that I defiantly dropped all of my bricks, cleared out my dusty soul, turned my back on what was ’right’ and stepped out into the future with only my heart and soul to act as my sat nav. I made the decision that I was only going to do things that I love doing and am passionate about. It’s been a disorientating, uphill climb, but not wholly unpleasant. You know the top of the mountain is there. You can see it when you are standing on the ground, but once you start to climb, it’s head down and all you can see is what is in front of you. Rocks and grass, mud and pebbles, sunshine & rain.
Made for walking!
See you at the top!
Difficult people
Ooer look out!!
But, what is the common denominator between these people that we choose to label as ‘difficult?’
Anthony Robbins said ‘The meaning of communication is the response you get’, I am not sure it was his phrase to give, but when I heard it at a 4 day seminar in London in 2004, it made sense to me.
Because that’s it, in a nutshell, isn’t it. Difficult people are difficult because they do not know how to communicate in a more effective or pleasant way. They do not understand about building rapport. Nor do they understand how to get what they want, because no one respects them or listens to them, and no one wants to help them. They push people away and end up with very few people on their side.
I was reminded of this at the weekend, when a person, that I occasionally have no choice but to come across, communicated {let’s just say it was a very loose connection} with me. She shouted, ranted even, at the top of her voice, erratically trying to make a point. There was no prior justification & it was completely out of the blue! She is, admittedly, in a position of perceived power, and she wanted me to be subordinate and ingratiating. Yeah, that is so ever gonna happen!!!! Never has in 8 years, and never will. But that doesn’t stop her from still trying though.
Over time, I have become accustomed to her irrational outbursts, and she has taught me the best way to deal with people like this. I have found that a defensive, reactive, or even a pacifying response simply add flames to her fire. She is attempting control and I won’t be controlled. So I dampen the flames by 100% refusing to rise to the occasion, and by remaining calm and assured of my own sense of being.
Every now and then this lady tries, and fails, to embroil me in this perceived power struggle. But the secret is that when someone pushes against nothing, they cannot continue to push. They have nowhere to go. Yes, your calm demeanor may initially appear to create more agitation, but think of it like a child having a tantrum. No matter how much the difficult person rolls around on the floor screaming, stand your ground quietly & confidently.
Life would be boring if we were all the same, and not all difficult people are angry. But, just remember, that the reason they are difficult is because they do not know how to communicate. You do, so be the bigger man – so to speak.
Choices & Consequences
Plant, cultivate & harvest
Imagine this in relation to a health issue, and let’s look at Joe’s story.
When Joe was 16, he was a keen footballer, a good runner & a general good all round athlete. But he left school, became successful and stopped exercising. Over time, Joe gained weight. He is 38 now and weighs 20 stone. He has diabetes, is continually breathless and is worried about the tightness in his chest. He eats well, he enjoys his food but he takes no exercise, and uses the car for every journey he makes. He wants to be healthy & fit again. What can he do?
He has a big house, so he decides to build a gym in one of the downstairs rooms. He is committed. For a week, he walks on the treadmill every day; he cycles on the static bike for five miles and works out with the weights. It’s tough, but he believes in the ‘no pain no gain’ principle. He eats salad every night, cuts out the chocolate and alcohol and drinks water with his meals.
At the end of the week he gets on the scales and is disappointed to see he has only lost 2lbs.
The next week, he misses a few nights in the gym. He goes out with his friend Brian, and has a lovely meal with a bottle of wine. Feeling guilty, he works out the next night, but feels sick as he makes too much effort. At the end of the week he has only lost a further 1lb.
I won’t go through the whole story, but two months later, disillusioned and heavier than when he started, he sells the gym equipment.
What did Joe do wrong?
- He did too much too soon. If we try to inaugurate humungous change, too quickly, it is likely that we will not be able to sustain our efforts
- He expected results instantly
- He did not consider the long term progressive consequences of his actions. Losing weight doesn’t happen in a couple of weeks, it is a day by day lifestyle change
What could he have done?
- Assessed his current health with a health professional
- Consulted a nutritionist ~ create a realistic diet plan
- Hired a personal trainer
- Committed to a 20 minute brisk walk three times a week
- Joined a weight programme group, so he had support
- And much more
Success in life depends upon one’s ability to plant, cultivate and harvest. Joe planted, but he wanted the harvest straight away. He craved instant results. He expected to feel healthy after only a few weeks. He did not adhere to the consistent principles of day to day cultivation, taking small steps and considering the long term benefits of his daily actions.
Success generally isn’t an overnight event. It is the result of the compounding of small positive actions taken every day. Truly successful people know this.
Spring flower
Start it NOW and work it, making positive choices moment by moment. If you do this, I guarantee that your success will unfold, like a late summer planted bulb slowly making its way through the long winter, until it finally pushes its way up through the soil, to blossom into a beautiful spring flower ~ your success
